fuckyeahkellymeehan

And that is when I know… that is when I understand that it’s better to feel the ache inside me like demons scratching at my heart than it is to feel numb the way a dead body feels when you touch it. It’s better to wait for the beautiful things… to stare at them for as long as they last..to hold on as tight as you can before they disappear. And it might hurt so bad inside… but it’s better to wait for the next beautiful thing than never look for any again.

You can wet the rim of a glass and run your finger around the rim and it will make a sound. This is what I feel like: this sound of glass. I feel like the word shatter.

Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.

the night whispers to me that she is out there and that she is beautiful but all i see are shadows and stars scattered, a million orphans from horizon to horizon.

You cannot go around in grief and panic every day; people will not let you, they will coax you with tea and tell you to move on, bake cakes and paint walls. […] So what you do is you let them coax you. You bake the cake and paint the wall and smile; you buy a new freezer as if you now had a plan for the future. And secretly—in the early morning—you sew a pocket in your skin. At the hollow of your throat. So that every time you smile, or nod your head at a teacher meeting, or bend over to pick up a fallen spoon, it presses and pricks and stings and you know you’ve not moved on. You never even planned to.

How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand, there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep.. that have taken hold.

I do not mourn the loss of my sister because she will always be with me, in my heart,” she says. “I am, however, rather annoyed that [she] has left me to suffer you lot alone. I do not see as well without her. I do not hear as well without her. I do not feel as well without her. I would be better off without a hand or a leg than without my sister. Then at least she would be here to mock my appearance and claim to be the pretty one for a change. We have all lost [her], but I have lost a part of myself as well.

When you were sick you worried because you could not give me something that you wanted to and thought I needed. You needn’t have worried. Just as I told you then there was no real need because I loved you in so many ways so much. And now it is clearly even more true — you can give me nothing now yet I love you so that you stand in my way of loving anyone else — but I want you to stand there. You, dead, are so much better than anyone else alive.